Where everything is Hallmark and Homos

Putting under a cut, because I don’t want to bother people with this…

It’s not really the number that upsets me, and I wouldn’t mind a bit of soft layers to keep me curvy, but it’s the way it sits on my body. I’ve always been really self-conscious about my shape. I’ve been trying all my life to trim down it seems, but I can never manage to make any difference. And it’s really disheartening.

And everyone always says stuff like:

“Oh, you’re not overweight at all.”

“But you have great boobs! I bet guys are all over you!”

Family members tell me “you’re getting too skinny” or “you’re fine just the way you are.”

And I hate it all. Because I’m not okay with the way I am, I don’t like it and it makes me feel bad about myself. Guys aren’t all over me, because they’re busy chasing after willowy girls, the very same ones who fed me the line to begin with. Because no one really gets it, or they’re just saying it to be nice. People don’t believe me and think I just want attention because I try to wear clothes that are flattering and don’t draw attention to the size of my hips.  

I don’t like it at all. I hate how they think they’re saying the right things to make me feel better, when in reality it’s doing the opposite.

I don’t want to be placated about it and be told it’s okay and that’s just how I am, because it’s not. 

Because when I stand naked in front of the mirror, I can’t stand what I see.